Monday, February 15, 2010

A Bouncer Has No Heart on Valentine's Day

Instead of bragging about how wonderful my Valentine's Day was, let me tell you a story that helped make last night an unforgettable one.

First, though not entirely my own original wisdom, let me say this: bouncers are bullies who wanted to be cops but failed, who use their weight and height as power, who do so because that is the only power they'll ever have over anything. I'm generalizing, surely, but it's true. Introduce me to one nice bouncer. If you were to say to me, "Hey, my brother is a bouncer and he's a nice guy!" I'd say that I was sorry (sort of) for possibly offending you, and I'm sure your brother is really nice to you, but I'll bet you he's a jerk as soon as he positions himself with his feet spread wide apart, arms crossed over his chest, and mouth twisted in a smirk in front of a venue.

Let me enlighten you.

After a lovely dinner downtown in Little Italy last night, John and I headed over to Rams Head Live to see Umphrey's McGee, a funky and awesome jam band. John had given me a pair of red, light-up heart-shaped glasses, which were also funky and awesome, so I wore them most of the night. Several people complimented them. Some even asked to take pictures of me in them. It was wonderful! Then, after we relocated to a different spot in the venue, a large man (a bouncer), came close to me and motioned me over with his finger. I was prepared to defend myself (I was only drinking water!), when I faced him and he snatched the glasses off my head. He didn't ask for me to hand them over. He took them. Called them a "distraction." Uh. What? Aren't PEOPLE a distraction? Aren't alcohol, loud voices, and dancing distractions, too, then? I recall camera flashes going off. As far as I know, there wasn't a "no camera" policy posted. And there certainly wasn't a "no glowy things" policy posted. Calmly, I tried reasoning with him. Couldn't I just have a warning? Can't I just turn them off? It's not like I would turn them back on the second Fathead walked away. John, being both male and my boyfriend, was also displeased and tried to convince the guy to hand the glasses back over. When it was clear that wasn't happening, we asked for his name so we could find him and get the glasses back when we leave. He wouldn't even do us that favor. So, in short, a nameless bouncer more or less stole my damn Valentine's Day glasses.

This, of course, put us in a bad mood. We contemplated leaving early just so we could get the glasses back and not have to wait in a long coat check line later. Soon after the "incident" when John tried to tell this to the bouncer, he didn't believe him. John talks to head of security, who talks to Fathead, who lies to head of security, who then won't let us get them back, not until the end of the show. Blah blah blah...

We eventually did get the glasses back, but not before a smartass comment from the bouncer. I believe John's words to him were: "You can steal, and you can lie, but God sees everything." (I heart my valentine.)

You'd think the BS would end there. John and I did re-enter the main hallway where you buy tickets because his drummer, Tom, was there handing out flyers for John Mancini Band's upcoming show at the 8x10 on March 6th. I, of course, had put my glasses back on my head where they belonged. Looking up, I noticed one of the bouncers had followed us out the door and back into the main entrance. Granted, I know it may have looked somewhat suspicious, but we clearly weren't making moves to get back into the venue, and I couldn't have anyway because I'm under 21. The bouncer said something into his radio and turned back around. As we headed to the elevator to leave, ANOTHER bouncer we hadn't even dealt with pointed at us and said to the guy at the door, "These two don't go back inside." Meanwhile, we had already walked past the entrance and clearly were leaving. GET A LIFE and worry about something worth WORRYING ABOUT.

Which brings me to my next point: why weren't these bouncers more concerned with all the people selling drugs? Seriously, it was no secret that they were readily available at this particular concert. John and I were not intoxicated, nor were we obnoxious or violent, and yet security felt it was more necessary to control our "distracting" light-up toys than drugs and people ON drugs.

It's clear bouncers love the thrill of "catching" someone doing something wrong or getting in an argument with someone just so they can kick them out. It's all a game, and I get it-- you're sad and bored, and you probably deal with a lot of drunken idiots. But I am a young, delicate girl. It is unnecessary to treat me like a criminal. And even though I am a young and delicate girl, I would have KICKED THAT GUY'S ASS for taking those glasses off my head had he not been, you know, four hundred pounds.

Despite these events, we had a wonderful Valentine's Day. In fact, this experience added to our night in a way-- look what a great story it made! Don't doubt, though, that I wasn't going to let it slide. Just an hour ago, I made a call to the venue and discussed at length my issues with the venue and its so-called policies and especially its security.

Happy Valentine's Day, Fathead.

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